Sunday, May 20, 2018

People call it "falling in love," I call it a glitch.

Glitch… a glitch is defined as a sudden, usually temporary malfunction or irregularity of equipment. That's it. Falling in love is a malfunction of my system. I should not fall in love - because… well falling in love is what normal people feel. I'm not your type of a normal person. But sometimes like a computer or a copier machine, I glitched.

I remember the first time I felt this was when I was in Grade school - that was a very long time ago. I got a glitch with this girl named Marilyn Cruz. Typical reason: She's gorgeous! Wow! That was the time people watched shows like Skul Bukol, Student Canteen, Tito, Vic and Joey. I watch Benson, Angie, Good Time Girls, St. Elsewhere and Quincy ME. I read books about World War II and ancient histories, magazine about famous crimes while my classmates read Funny Comics. I'm a Star Wars and a Star Trek fan. Sa madaling salita, I'm weird and I don't fit on their typical camaraderie. Cute girls don't dig socially inept people like me. But I still like Marilyn. 

High School came bringing other gorgeous girls: Julieta Sevillo, Mary Ann Nepumuceno - There were also our neighbors like Bernardo ( I forgot her first name - the daughter of our land lord) and that short haired girl living near the corner. Now, how the hell can I compete? Young boys and girls in that time are into Bagets, That's Entertainment, Gary Valenciano, electric bigallo, shoes of different colors without socks, pagpapaporma and me? Well, I listen to Classical music, Jazz and Bossa Nova. I'm in some library reading an occult book, some ghost stories, forensic books or playing with beakers and test tubes. I'm no genius, but I find science, crime/forensic and parapsychology fascinating than the typical "boy and girl talk." I find Carl Sagan's Cosmos more entertaining than those teen love stories shown in TV and movie houses. Who wants to date with a guy like me?

I became the typical torpe. A loner who spend most of my time inside my house. As boys dating girls in Fast Food, game arcades and roller skate rinks, I am alone in my house thinking of the mysteries of the universe or building a realistic World War II diorama.

By college, now who gives a shit about having a crush? Life is all about philosophy, Marxism, student activism, LFS, Kabataang Makabayan, human rights and tear gas. Hayz...

When I started working in Victorias, Negros Occidental there's this nurse, and Miss Lapating and then there's Marissa Moncada. Now Marissa was different. She gave me a cake on my birthday. She was the first person in all my life that gave me something on my birthday. She's rich and she has a hunk for a boyfriend - no competition. I'm just a pencil pusher compare to an all- adventure GI Joe type with six-packs. 

Then what? Religion vs. science vs. philosophy? Which reminds me of another glitch, way back in the time of Yahoo Groups. A Christian girl named "Miss Elove" changed my life in a sudden turn. Long telephone conversations from Canada. Singing Ariel Rivera's "Minsan Lang Kita Iibigin." Planning to leave atheism and become a Baptist like her so I can marry her. I though she was the one. Then *poof* that's the end of it. Now she's happily married to a Canadian and have been blessed with two children (or is it three?).

In my Luneta days, there was this nurse named Jasmin. I even make it a point na sunduin sya sa hospital where she works - another failure in my part - I'm too much of a "goody two shoes." She's looking for a "bad boy type." Why are they always looking for a bad boy?

Then there's Miss Miles Bendo. A teacher, a single Mom. The reason I fell for her - well, unlike those other glitches, I find her more matured minded. Oh no… don't you say that's she's not beautiful. She so beautiful, so adorable, so cute, so awesome. I find her very sexy too - smooth skin, nice flat belly, firm, round ass. That's it! But there are things more than the typical physical attractions - she's intelligent, she's responsible, she's fun, she cooks well. She so clean and she smells… oh God! She smells like a bed of roses. She also sings well too! I remember looking at her while she sings in a party (That was I think fiesta in Beng's house... anyways, ) She's heaven sent. An angel. She invited me in her house that night - nothing happened. I'm so stupid. I should have kissed her.

I really have to say this. I cannot hide it for long - in the deep crevices of my mind and my heart, she haunts me - I LOVE YOU MILES BENDO. I love your daughter too. I love you Raine Atlantis. There I said it. 

But alas, she will be my last glitch. I remember that day that I manage to be brave enough, I went to her house, bringing some flowers only to get sweet rejection, to be thrown in a void called the "friend-zone." and scoffed by her friends. 

I'm getting past my prime and I can't live with this illusion in the remaining years of my life. I dunno. I may not even reach 2019. Death always comes in a surprise. 

I wrote this post as a release. A final sigh to free myself the burden of loving people - and getting nothing out of it. 

I'm getting tired of this glitch, this "falling in love" shit. It has to stop. 

However, strange as it may be, I don't blame them for rejecting the love that I tried to offer. Well maybe because I once look at love in the eyes of a hopeless romantic and that is only good in TV shows, love songs and movies. Love is really not that simple and I now know better. With love comes a lot of things: Physical attractiveness, financial stability, material gains - things that I lack. Without them, love is nothing but empty talks. Love is more than just being "pa-cute," or being a nice guy or giving a girl a box of chocolate or a dozen flowers. Love is not for glee club members.

Falling in love - It's really not for people like me. It is just a glitch.

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